The entire planet is at war, your dreams are slipping out of reach and artificial intelligence is coming for the job you hate but need in order to maintain your plan B life.
With everything you see on the news and in your bank account, it can be easy to go on a downward spiral of despair and nihilism.
But it’s Christmas, and if this time of year teaches us anything, it’s that buying things and binge eating will fill the void in our clogging hearts.
Anxious about how you’re going to make rent? Feel powerless living in a society whose media is more concerned with social issues than material ones? Resentful that your life is so much less fulfilling than you deserve?
These feelings will go away if you get into the spirit of the season! Here are some tips.
Spend, spend, spend.
Sure, you’ve got no money, but that’s what credit cards are for! Go buy headphones made by foreign children. As soon as that crisp audio hits your ears, you won’t even think about them and their shaky little hands. It’s what they would want.
Be patient and take time to listen.
Humour your older male relatives by listening to their ideas about which types of people the State should kill and how. One day, they won’t be around, and you’ll be grateful you got to spend quality time together.
Netflix and chill.
Try watching a Christmas movie from your childhood. With nostalgia, we can forget about the present and live in the safety of the past. It’s a wonderful place where your parents are still together, you have big things ahead of you and no one is trying to harness the power of the government to tackle chicks with d*cks.
It was a simpler time. Sure, we were all afraid of terrorism, but it was exciting! You’d see someone from a different culture hop on the bus and you’d feel a rush. What’s he got in his bag? What language is that? It was exhilarating. You were alive. Now, the rush has gone. But you still catch the bus.
Connect with others.
Put the phones down and talk. Christmas is about proving to relatives that you’re smarter than them. Repeat talking points from the videos you’ve been watching on YouTube as they repeat talking points from the videos they’ve been watching. Think of it as YouTube karaoke. They will 100 per cent change their perspective.
Meditate.
As Australia becomes a worse and worse place to live, meditation can be a great way to switch your brain off from thinking about your god-awful predicament. Rather than view your anxiety and dread as things that are directly caused by the sick society we live in and its economic system, convince yourself that it’s an individual problem you can fix. Close your eyes and focus on your breath. Every time you feel your panicked and frantic thoughts permeate the bliss: ignore, repress and deny! Everything’s great, actually. Just bring your focus back to breathing.
Have a very Merry Christmas.
